Caroline’s Message: Don’t minimize anything. You can exaggerate, yes. But don’t put your feelings down or the way you feel down because somebody else thinks they’re not valid. What you feel is what you feel. 

Caroline was born and raised in North Carolina, where she also graduated from college. Much of Caroline’s life has revolved around family, music, and education. Caroline was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder approximately 12 years ago, but she continues to grow despite many challenging life experiences. 

Caroline spent many of her years as a professional in southern Michigan. As a musician, she played the flute and piccolo professionally in symphony orchestras, operas, and Broadway musicals. Caroline played with the Flint Symphony Orchestra and the Detroit opera theater and later played with a symphony in North Carolina after she moved back to her home state. During her interview, Caroline readily recalled her interest in the reactions of children who attended the opera after learning about opera in school. Caroline spent her summers playing music with another group known as the John Kenley Players (summer stock), and then she taught during the rest of the year with monthly symphony concerts: 

Then in the symphony, we had like eight concerts in a season. It was about once a month. The summer stock began to pick up about six weeks after the symphony season was over. So it was pretty close to a full-time job. The pay wasn’t real good—I mean, you couldn’t put food on the table with it. But I did that with my teaching. I taught in a school district called Beecher Community Schools. That was just north of Flint. Thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Caroline may have started experiencing symptoms of mental illness towards the end of her time in Michigan. She began to struggle with social situations and “getting along” with others. She described herself as an easygoing person prior to a gradual increase in social difficulties – leading to a lack of understanding about her experiences. It is unclear whether the experiences were linked, but Caroline also got divorced prior to returning to North Carolina to help her father care for her ailing mother. Her return to North Carolina proved to be difficult, and she turned to alcohol to self-medicate for emotional abuse she experienced throughout her life. Listen to Caroline talk about her experience here: 

During her time in the treatment program, psychiatrists diagnosed Caroline with bipolar disorder. Her psychiatrist monitored her a few times a year for bipolar disorder until she was in an outpatient program and her psychiatrist recognized signs of schizophrenia. This is when Caroline was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and chronic major depression. Her psychiatrist emphasized the importance of social support:  

My father was with me at that visit. I was surprised that he [Caroline’s psychiatrist] let him come in to the visit because he hadn’t done anything like that before. He said, “No, you’re probably gonna need the support.” My mother was deceased at the time. “He needs to know what’s going on. You need support.” That was when he told me I had schizoaffective disorder. And it just sort of bounced off my head. I don’t know why. I really didn’t have any idea what it was. I do remember him telling me that it was like schizophrenia with a mood disorder. And he began to be my—treating me for my disease. I had also what he called “chronic major depression.” That had been with me for a long time. I’m talking about decades. 

Caroline described the next phase of her life as “fuzzy” and did not quite recall all of the details. Ultimately – Caroline continued to struggle with her mental as well as physical health, and she ended up in a nursing home. She ran away from two, and her daughter helped her find a third home willing to take her as a flight risk. At this point, Caroline experienced an episode of psychosis, which she described as a “psychotic break.” Her family eventually sold all of her belongings except for her flutes.  

At some point while in this facility, Caroline told her unit supervisor that she wanted to go back to graduate school to study theology. The supervisor told Caroline that she needed to get better first, and then they could look into the option. Caroline used this as motivation to work towards better health. She worked with a team of nurse aides, psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, physical therapists, and administrators for several years. During these years, Caroline broke a femur and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease, but she continued to have a good attitude. Eventually, a physical therapist asked Caroline if she thought she could live on her own – which “planted the seed” to move in that direction. Listen to Caroline talk about her changing mindset here: 

Caroline talked with her psychiatrist about assisted living and independent living arrangements and decided she wanted to try independent living. Caroline’s doctor originally wrote an order for Caroline to move into an assisted living facility, but he agreed to change the order to independent living. She started independent living in November 2013 and has been there since. Caroline noted the importance of medication for well-being during the interview as well as the stigma related to mental illness: 

What I was fearful of, and unfortunately, I was right in this, that there are a lot of people that are pretty bad as far as judgmentalness about people that have mental illness. And I was afraid of what that might—how I might react to that. And again, he taught me—my doctor taught me and the therapists that were working with me taught me that I needed to be concerned about keeping my well-being in check. And maintaining contact, med checks every three months. I do that even now with someone here. Not here, but here in the city. Now, it doesn’t bother me. If somebody’s got a problem with it, that’s their problem and not mine. I’m very comfortable with myself in my own skin. I even told somebody who was here from California… I think I’m beginning to like myself. 

Caroline’s story highlights the importance of quality mental health care and the progress that individuals with mental illness can achieve when given the opportunity. Caroline remembered some of the nursing home administrators did not think she would ever be able to leave the facility – she was in a locked unit for over seven years and even wore an ankle band during that time period to prevent her from leaving. Caroline does not believe she would have flourished as she has if she had not been medicated for her schizoaffective disorder. The treatment has “given her life back.” One of her children – she has a son and a daughter – visits her each month to prepare her medications. Caroline has two “safe people” she can call at any hour of the day; one is her daughter. 

Caroline wants people to know that she never gives up, as demonstrated by her determination to be successful with music. She is also grateful for her support system. When asked about why she wanted to participate in The Schizophrenia Oral History Project, Caroline said:  

I’ve been through a lot since the mid-eighties. It’s been going on that long. I’ve struggled. I’ve gotten it one step at a time. I couldn’t even walk. I had to take it one crawl at a time, one leg at a time crawling. And if I can use my experience and share my experience with somebody that might make a difference and give them something to hang on to, I know that that’s very, very important. I would really consider it a blessing for me if I could just reach out a hand and help somebody. I wouldn’t want anybody to have to go through what all I’ve been through if there’s some kind of help for them.