Alan was born in a small city in North China, where he currently lives with his mother. As an only child, he remembers a relatively happy childhood with a loving family that tried to give him the best. His father was away often for work and only came home once or twice a week. Because of this, some of his best memories include moments when he was able to spend time with his family, such as enjoying a nice dinner together in the city. He also fondly remembers his first time traveling out of his province, when his father took him to a coastal island and he saw the sea for the first time:
Growing up, Alan was hard working and very goal oriented. As a closeted gay man, he sometimes felt that
becoming successful was a way for him to survive. Today, Alan is open and out with his sexuality, but he reflects on how hiding aspects of himself influenced him:
Alan: I felt like the older I grew, the more I realized I [may] be different from other people. Then the more discomfort it caused me, and the more my life plans became targeting on those aspects of myself
After completing his undergraduate program in China, Alan spent two years in the United Stated for graduate school in language related programs, as well as some time in Europe and southeast Asia. During his time in the United States, Alan was taken to a psychiatric hospital twice before being diagnosed with schizophrenia. He had just earned his Master’s degree and had moved to be near the internship he was starting. He was getting settled into his new house and role while also thinking ahead to employment after this internship. Because of his identity as a gay man, he wanted to find a job in the States so that he could stay in an environment where he could feel more comfortable being himself. However, the U.S. economy was terribly low at that time, and Alan was struggling to find any jobs.
Alan: The U.S. economy was terrible, and it was hard for me to find a job, so I, I got in contact with the U.S. military. Then things got crazier and crazier, and I started to, to feel like I was being monitored. I was being monitored both visually and audially. And I was suspicious of my roommate. I was suspicious of government conspiracy. And yah. So, I would say— I would say government conspiracy is the theme of my hallucinations and delusions.
Although Alan wished to stay in the U.S., the hospital staff made the decision for him to return to China upon discharge due to his mental state and “weakened” cognitive abilities at the time. Alan also discussed his diagnosis within the realm the American psychiatric system, versus how his situation may have gone if he was in China during this time:
Ten years after his diagnosis, Alan remains on the same major medications that he began in the U.S., with a few adjustments to minor medications since he has been back in China. He now teaches language and language related courses as a university professor. Teaching is an important part of Alan’s daily life, and he has found ways to work his schedule that fit best for him. On the weekends Alan attends online events and occasionally goes to the museum or for a meal with friends. He enjoys music, electronics, and studying. Alan particularly enjoys gaming and keeping up with the latest technology. His love of learning in general is a large aspect of his personality and has currently driven him to begin studying psychology and art, such as music and painting.
Alan: I am a very, I would say—I wouldn’t use the word emotional. Maybe I would use empathetic. I’m a very empathetic person. I consider emotions as a very important aspect of the human psyche, and in music is so closely related with emotions. It affects our emotions. It can change the atmosphere when you’re in a group. It can—it can create that atmosphere when you’re watching a movie or when you’re hanging out with a friend. So, it’s really powerful.
Since moving back to China, the topic of friends has been a hard one for Alan and has only been more difficult with the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic. At the time of this interview, Alan remarked on his struggle with feeling lonely. With the passing of his father, he finds companionship and support in his mother, but has difficulty finding many friends around him. Not only is he relatively isolated in his small town because of his identity, but he had also been physically isolated due to the restrictions of the COVID-19 pandemic. Before, he was able to travel throughout the year to meet people and connect outside of his town. Now, with most of his friends only reachable online, Alan reflects on his friendships around him:
Alan: [M]y city is a small city, and it’s also very conservative and backward in a lot of ways. I am out as a gay man, and I don’t like—I don’t try to please straight men. They’re often—I would be like—I would even say hostile. I would be even a little bit hostile to straight men, so that they can realize their privileges in our society. So that they can realize their homophobia and their discrimination against gay men. That is sometimes how I treat them because I think that’s only, that’s only fair. I would say maybe I am losing a lot of my straight male friends. [laugh] But at the same time I really enjoy hanging out with women, girls and LGBTQ people. And I’m also Christian. I’m a gay Christian. So most—I would say most of my friends are online in other parts of China, or even some of them are outside China. So that can be like, we would have a weekly online meeting, prayer meetings, so that we can talk to each other, pray, and see each other’s face, and see what’s going on with their lives. But still, it can be sad, because like most of the time I would have to eat my meals alone or do everything alone. I have no one to talk to, except when I’m online in front of screens.
This increase in connection through screen also prompted Alan to teach a listening course that included how social media affects us, and how this may keep relationships more shallow than face-to-face interaction:
Today, Alan considers the best part of his life is that he is no longer fighting through big problems – he has found ways to cope with his mental health and become comfortable with himself:
Alan: I was feeling that I had a lot of big problems to deal with, like my sexual orientation and my mental disorder. But now I kind of feel like I can cope. I can manage these two big aspects of my life, and I can live worry free, if you will. And um, worry free. I have no big problems to worry about nowadays, and that is the best part. I can learn about psychology, or entertainment, or arts. I can delve into my hobbies. My work schedule is flexible. I can cope with my working life and work life balance. These are good things in my life.
To help him cope with his schizophrenia and OCD, Alan has been receiving psychological counseling for nearly twenty years and has found it helpful for him. A large part of coping for Alan has been learning about self-compassion and gratitude, skills he hopes to continue developing in the future. He has also found thoughtfulness, non-judgement, and communication to be very helpful for him. Although dealing with schizophrenia has been difficult, Alan also reflects on how it has not been the worst part of his life, as many people may assume:
When asked about his future, Alan responds:
I would say, as an ordinary university professor, I would work year over year, I would get more and more mature every year, and get better and better. I would always suffer from loneliness and occasional symptoms, and occasional suffering. But there are important things that—there are important things to stick to like self-compassion, like gratitude. Like my mom’s companionship, and all those loving people online or locally. They love me, they support me, and they’re important things to cling onto, you know. Those things are worth living for.
